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A Touch of Humor


UFOlogists and Light Bulbs

Having been privy to the the most profound and arcane aspects of the UFO problem for decades, I have discerned that one vital question is asked again and again: how many UFOlogists does it take to change a light-bulb? After extensive classified research on this ponderous subject, I have found the answer.

1to remove the old bulb and screw in the new one;
50to find one smart enough to tell him how to do it.

Usually, there are additional personnel on the scene.

12men forming a top-secret LB-12 committee to suppress U.S. government involvement with the burn-out;
3unidentified "bird-throats" leaking CIA info alleging that many previous bulbs have burned out in very similar, highly suspicious circumstances;
4PhDs with German-sounding names, assuring everyone that light-bulbs are merely filaments of overactive imaginations;
1man from Florida who, using the pseudonym "Mr. Flicka", takes nine zillion photos of model bulbs;
10persons asserting that grey-globed bulbs abducted them for bizarre experiments in socket compatibility;
90channels communicating with the Ascended Astral Spirit of the dead bulb, now serving in the Light Forces of Ashtray Command on the planet Sylvania;
1cynical debunker saying that both the bulb and the gullible UFO-believing public have been screwed.

I sincerely hope that this settles the great mystery.

Area 51

Late one afternoon, the personnel at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot said that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, gave him direction to Vegas, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the military men, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane. This time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Fill 'Er Up, Earthling!

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means. 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

Toons And Such

2009 Robert P. Renaud -- all rights reserved